Tanked - II

A good friend responded privately to my "Tanked!" post, provoking further reflection. I'd like to respond, while honoring her anonymity.

Friend: I wasn't sure if you were getting ready to jump ship into the big ocean, or if you were speaking metaphorically in expanding your tank size!!??.

Me: Don't expect anything drastic! I do occasionally wonder if I would have the courage to do so, but really, I am not that discontent with my life. In small ways I am learning how to "live true" as my spiritual director says. I like that term a lot. To me it encompasses the work I have been doing during my time at Kairos, working to have the inner and outer life be congruent. I don't think I'm self-deceived when I say that I've made at least some progress! I think the "tanked" metaphor rang true as much from past experience as present, remembering how tightly bound I was to the way I was brought up, black and white thinking, etc. I didn't know any other way to look at things . . . it was always either/or rather than both/and. The tank began to expand when I went back to college. Changing churches was a huge "jump ship" experience. Now I have the freedom to expand gently. I just don't want to get too complacent!

Friend: You've always seemed to do much better than me 'fitting into' the stereotype of what is expected of a Mennonite woman in the sense of a traditional role. I on the other hand have not.

Me: But at what cost? I think both choices had a cost. It seems to me that you were "living true" to your inner self, and the cost was external, with a lot of pressure from the outside. I went along with a lot of the external pressure, but there was an inner cost of tension and the struggle to discover and maintain my true identity. In many ways I felt trapped, again by the either/or thinking. Maybe if I had had a career that I loved I would have had the courage to pursue it and not do the traditional thing. But I always had mixed feelings about how that would affect the kids, and I never did figure out what I was suppose to "be when I grew up." I never found anything that I loved to do. So, by default, my life took on the traditional trappings.

Friend: You have been the 'seemingly' traditional wife, staying home to care for your babies, and waiting to work til they went to college, etc. Maybe your 'seemingly' is just that...or should I ask maybe things aren't always as they seem? Maybe you do a better job keeping your mouth shut and keeping your thoughts to yourself?

Me: Keeping your mouth shut has a cost too, again, the whole thing about living true . . . One of the things that tended to keep me quiet was my own self doubt. That and the fact that I hate conflict. I often thought that my dissonant feelings were my own issues, so I would tend to work at them by myself. And in many ways that was good and helpful. I think I did a lot of self-therapy through reading and thinking, observing and writing. In those days I read through the Bible several times, and there were principles there that I tried to practice . . . one was to speak only those things that were helpful to build up the other, not just to blow off my own steam. The dark side of that is that I never learned very well to express my own needs. But over all, I've managed to survive pretty much in tact!

Thanks, my friend, for this conversation.